Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My girlfriend is currently unemployed, pregnant, and living with me (her housemates asked her to leave). My roommate left when she moved in so all the bills are on me, meaning I have to hustle and get as many freelance gigs as I can before the baby gets here. I often work very odd hours and will order takeout especially when we haven’t had time to go to the store. But then my girlfriend will eat her portion and mine unless I am literally there to take the food out of her hands.

She finds it funny and blames it on pregnancy cravings or the fact that she’s eating for two and the baby really wanted tacos! I ordered Chinese, only to have an emergency call from my client that took me four hours to deal with. I asked my girlfriend to put my takeout in the fridge. I left the meeting hungry and with a headache only to find that she didn’t even leave me a fortune cookie. She laughed when I asked where my food was and we ended up having a huge fight where I left and didn’t return for a few days. She is still furious with me. I am wondering how we are going to manage when the baby gets here. Every day is already stressful and it feels like everything is on my shoulders. I work and do the majority of the chores.

My family is out of state and my girlfriend refuses to move there. She is estranged from her mom. I am trying to do the right thing here but my girlfriend will not even do this small thing for me. We had only been dating for six months when she got pregnant. I am trying and I think I am failing. I don’t want to fail my kid. Help! —Camel’s Back Dear Camel’s Back, This is a tough situation. It’s also a situation that hints at some common challenges couples face when a little one enters the picture. Things get stressful for both parties and instead of having each other’s backs, you start to get defensive. You become protective of your mental health.

You might even be resentful of the other person for not just failing to ease your stress, but also for adding to it. Being pregnant isn’t easy—a person’s body and mind go through major transformations in a short amount of time, and anyone going through a pregnancy deserves a lot of support. But that doesn’t discount that preparing for parenthood, even when you’re not pregnant, is immensely stressful. Add to that the fact that you’re both in a relatively new relationship and it makes sense that you’re both about to boil over. You have to sit down and hash out these issues before the baby arrives, because when they do, it will be much harder to find the time to do that.

Approach the conversation with a shared goal: “I want us to work through our relationship issues so that we can build a solid foundation for our family.” Initiating the conversion in this way will (hopefully) make it easy for your girlfriend to get on board. There are a lot of different issues at work here: She seems to be shrugging off your stress, you’re brushing aside her reluctance to move to a different state, you disappeared. Not to say that the issues themselves don’t matter, but you’ll never be able to get through any of them if you don’t learn how to talk about those concerns objectively, without blaming the other person.

In other words, instead of getting upset because she doesn’t want to move, maybe you could talk about how this makes you feel. “It would resolve so much of my stress, so it’s frustrating that it might not be an option.” Being a bit removed so you can talk about your feelings in this way is hard to do. But even if you think that this is all her fault, and that moving isn’t that big of a deal, keeping the conversation objective will make it easier for her to empathize with your situation instead of getting defensive. And from there, working toward a solution will be a lot less painful. I know what I’m suggesting isn’t easy—couples spend hours in therapy trying to learn to talk to each other this way. It takes practice and time.

You might also make a plan for the next time a conflict arises. Don’t leave for days on end but do go for a walk or take a break so things don’t get heated and the conversation doesn’t get off track. Eventually, you’ll both have to make compromises if you want to stay in this relationship. None of this is simple, but now is an ideal time to start practicing.

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For questions on the money issues in your life try submitting to Pay Dirt! Dear Pay Dirt, I am one of seven siblings—biological, step, and adopted. I was always the odd duck out because I was a geek and a girl, and I was more interested in learning about computers than having children. I taught myself how to code and worked my way up into a pretty cushy IT gig. My baby sister is only 14 and started to get interested in my field. She wanted to take some computer courses at the local community college but our parents couldn’t afford it right now. So I stepped in and offered to pay for her and I made her the promise if she did well this summer, I would help pay for her higher courses.

This has caused some serious family drama because several of my siblings are having financial troubles of their own making (gambling, credit card debt, having babies with unstable a-holes, etc.), and they think the only “fair” solution is for me to help fund everyone’s lifestyle. I told them to basically go kick rocks. The relationship I have with my baby sister is nowhere near what I have with my other siblings. A few are actually older than me and more than one has given me serious grief over my interests.

Worse, my parents and their partners have decided to weigh in on the matter. I am sick of the subject but I can’t completely ghost my family because of my baby sister.

What do I do now?

—Up to Code Dear Up to Code, Wow, how incredibly generous of you to offer to help further your baby sister’s education. That’s really sweet, and it’s a shame that the rest of your family, including your parents, aren’t focused on that. This isn’t an issue of fairness. This is your money, and you get to decide how you want to spend it. Even if your family hadn’t given you grief over your career, you still wouldn’t be obligated to help pay for their lifestyles.

Yes, family is supposed to be there for each other, but that doesn’t mean you owe them money. You don’t want to ghost your family, I get that. But you can set boundaries with them. Next time the topic comes up, make it clear that your decision is not up for debate. You don’t owe them an explanation, but you can tell them how you feel—it’s your choice how to spend your money, and you’re doing this to support your sister. Give them a final chance to say their piece on the topic, and let them know you’ll hear them out without any arguments, but then the topic will be off the table. If they keep bringing it up, you may need to keep your distance for a little while.

That doesn’t mean you have to disappear entirely, but you can respectfully but firmly tell them that they’re pushing your limits so you need a break. Want more Pay Dirt every week? Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear Pay Dirt, I’m a 29-year-old unmarried woman and I’m stressed out about how I’ve been working for a decade and I’ve never been able to follow a budget or put money toward savings (retirement or otherwise) in a regular way. I live in an expensive city and I have almost nothing in savings. I’m starting a new job soon that pays $60,000 a year (more than I’ve ever made before!) and I really want to turn over a new leaf.

I struggle with figuring out what budgeting/money planning tools or apps will work for me; my spending seems so irregular since the things I like to splurge on (travel, enrolling in classes, or gifts for others) are not regularly timed or recurring expenses and I don’t know how they figure into a monthly budget.

It just seems like any attempt at budgeting is thwarted by these special circumstances, which I guess is why I need a budget… What tools do you recommend for monthly budgeting and for figuring out what non-essentials I can actually afford to spend on?

—Where Does All the Money Go?

Dear Where Does All the Money Go, Congrats on the new job! If you don’t have anything in savings, your first order of business is to start an emergency fund so you have an account you can lean on if things go awry. Even if all you can afford to sock away is $50 or $100 a month, it’ll be worth it. When building a budget, it always helps to start with a goal like this so you have something to work toward. Staying motivated to stick to it is another story, but the point is, when you have a purpose for your money, it’s much easier to convince yourself to budget at all. As for those irregular expenses, you’ll need to make them, well, regular.

Add up your annual spending in those categories—gifts, education, travel—then multiply that amount by 12 to determine how much you need to set aside for those expenses each month. For example, even if you don’t have any gift spending planned in May, you’ll still set aside $50 (or whatever your amount is) so that the next time a birthday pops up, the funds will be there. There is no shortage of budgeting apps to walk you through this process.

Simplifi, Copilot, and You Need a Budget (YNAB) are a few popular options. If you’re new to budgeting, or find it hard to stick to a budget, YNAB is a great one. Their platform is designed to budget every dollar in your account, so it can be a little time-consuming, but it also teaches you how to manage your money. If you overspend in one category, YNAB forces you to take that money out of another category to pay for it, making it really hard to spend funds you don’t actually have. It’s easy to ignore your budget after a while.

Especially when you start overspending, it’s human nature to stop looking at it altogether—out of sight, out of mind, right?

Again, this is why a goal comes in handy. Make your budgeting a habit. Set up a schedule to check in with it regularly, whether that’s daily or weekly, and you’ll get the hang of it soon enough. It sounds like you’re on your way to a good financial plan. Dear Pay Dirt, My mom is bulldozing her way into my home. Her relationship of several years just ended and she has no place of her own. She is disabled due to back issues but still is allowed to work 20 hours a week doing something that won’t aggravate the problem. My issue is that she has invited herself to live with me, my husband, and our baby when I return to my home state in two months.

She has not held a job in about 40 years, but she claims she will look for a job in a couple of months after I get back and she’s moved in. If I let her in “temporarily,” she’ll be living with me for the rest of my life. She lived with her parents after she and my dad divorced and then with her boyfriend, so she’s never lived independently. She thinks I am her next logical choice. I have been with my husband for about five years and I think it is unfair to him to make him live with his mother-in-law after only a few years of marriage. My mom is claiming she will be homeless if I don’t let her live with me and she says she can’t afford an apartment.

She has about $80,000 saved but cannot live on her own for long if she doesn’t work, as her money will dwindle. We’ve always had a bit of a backwards parent-child dynamic, but I can’t live with my mom for the rest of her life. —Please Let Me Be the Kid Dear Please Let Me Be the Kid, It might be hard for your mom to live independently if she’s never done that before. That doesn’t mean it’s on you to take her in, but I’d help her look for other options.

Can she find a place to stay with other roommates?

Does she have friends or other family members she can call?

There’s hopefully another option besides putting your mother out or letting her move in. So offer to help your mother explore these other options before entertaining the idea of living with you. If it comes down to her living on the street, I’m sure you’d be there to take her in, and you can assure her of that, but right now, that’s not the situation. Tell her you’re stressed enough with a big move and a new baby. You need space, but you’re willing to help her come up with a plan to get on her feet. That plan might include searching for work, building a budget, or searching for affordable housing. There are many ways to support family, and she might need to know that she’s not completely without support.

It sounds like she could use some independence, and offering to help her this way might seem counterintuitive. But keep in mind, if she’s disabled and reeling from a breakup, she’s likely really struggling.

Yes, she’s an adult and it sounds like you have a complicated history, but be realistic about what can be expected from both of you.

How likely is it that she’s going to stick to a plan?

And what would it take for you to cave and invite her to stay with you?

Knowing what these limits are can help you plan for your own future while you help her get on her feet. Your mom might just need a gentle, guiding hand to push her in the right direction—which is, at least for the time being, not in your house. —Kristin Classic Prudie My sister has six children ranging from 6 months to 12 years old. For many years, my sister and her husband established our parents as their children’s guardians if anything should happen to them, but this past year my parents’ health has declined rapidly. They’re doing OK but need daily assistance and won’t be able to take care of kids. My sister and her husband have both been in serious accidents.

My husband and I have one 15-year-old, good careers, and busy lives. Our brothers are both bachelors. My sister has been pressing me to agree to be her children’s guardians in the event of their death.